i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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