His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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