did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
