She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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