i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now