does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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