No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
