then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
