You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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