see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
