so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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