yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
