If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
