They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
