I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
