I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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