Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You are the jesus of drinking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
