Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
try to milk me bitch
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
