Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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