I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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