shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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