You made me cry and you don't even care
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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