I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How does it feel to date your dad?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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