Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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