Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
