3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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