Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
