Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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