Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
