One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
