but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
