If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
