Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
