girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
