Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
