If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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