Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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