Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
