So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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