guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
