I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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