her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
