if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
