During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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