I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
