I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
