He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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