My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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