I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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