I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
