he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
