Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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