pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
