She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
