There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
