dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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